Saturday, January 2, 2010

Hypocritical Me

So before I go any further with this, I feel that I must make a confession - I am a hypocrite in this area.  I still want to be thin - like 120 pounds thin.  I'm 5'6 and 115 is the low end of a healthy weight range for me.  I would be too skinny at 120 with my bone structure, but there is still a part of me that wants to see the scale read 120.  Why is this the magical number???  I don't know, but 120 sounds so nice to say, "I weigh 120 pounds."  Even 119 - then I'm in the really low 100s.  Sad and pathetic, I know, but true.

I realized what a distorted view of myself I had about 6 months ago.  I gained 55 pounds with my first daughter and the scale topped out at 220-something.  I figured I'd lose it all right away though, because this was my first pregnancy and everyone loses all the weight right away from their first pregnancy.  Such a lie!  I stopped losing at 186.  I had been comfortably fluctuating between 162 and 168 for years so this was very bad in my mind.  Between June of 2007 and June of 2008 I lost 45 pounds the healthy way.  And I still thought I was fat (at 139 pounds).  I was in size 6 jeans but this wasn't small enough - I needed to be a four or a two.  And let's not even mention the havoc being pregnant wreaked on my stomach so I also had a glorious muffin top.  Now, I had been overweight most of my life, but being pear-shaped my stomach was always somewhat small.  No longer (let me insert here and now that I would not trade being pregnant and having my girls for anything - the world's biggest muffin top is worth their being here).  With my second daughter I also gained about 55 pounds (although I tried so hard not to) and knowing how hard it was the first time, started back on Weight Watchers 2 weeks postpartum.  When my youngest was about 3 months old I went through some old pictures and found one of myself from June 2008.  Um, I was thin, there is no question or doubt about it - the woman in the picture (although her hair is atrocious) is really thin.  Why did I think I was fat?  Why did I still want to lose another 20 pounds?  Why is there a part of me, even now, that still wants to be 120 pounds?  Why do I talk and talk about being happy with who you are and I'm still not entirely happy with who I am (although I am getting there)?  It's therapeutic I suppose.  And I hope, that through this, I will recognize, once and for all, I'm beautiful just the way I am - the way God intended me for to be.  I hope you realize that too.

1 comment:

  1. You sound JUST like me...except 120 is not my magic is more like 130, since 120 would just be DISGUSTING on my bone structure...even at 150 I am a size 4-6...I try to tell myself weight is just a number...