Thursday, January 14, 2010

Food Battles

Do you ever battle it out with food?  I do, all the time.  Like tonight I had a brownie (that was supposed to be for my husband), a bag of Butter Lover's popcorn, ice cream with chocolate chips and Hershey's syrup added, then just chocolate chips and Hershey's syrup, a glass of Coke, a cheeseburger and fries from McDonald's and a bowl of cereal - all in about a two hour period.  Why did I eat like this, you might ask.  Well, I had a lovely evening planned with my daughter and due to several breakdowns and misbehaving on her behalf said evening did not happen and I was crushed to cancel it.  She went to bed upset and I came downstairs upset, and thus I turned to food to help me feel better.  That and Juno, because the movie makes me cry and I needed to cry.

Why does food make us feel better?  By tomorrow I won't be feeling better at all by what I ate, but right now I'm in a happy state of "stuffed on bad food."  This is one of the reasons why I have struggled with my weight - okay, probably the main reason I have struggled is because of my unhealthy relationship with food.  So many times I would order food at a restaurant and then shovel it in my mouth before too many people noticed the fat girl was eating a cheeseburger and fries instead of a salad, no wonder I'm fat!  Of course, if I ordered a salad it confirmed that I was fat because the fat girl needs a salad.  I am so messed up mentally when it comes to food...and what other people think.  Even now, when I'm really not even overweight anymore, I struggle with what people will think of me depending on what I order.  If I order off the Weight Watchers menu at Applebees will the server think I'm fat?  He may not have thought I was fat before, but if I have to order off the WW menu then I must be fat.  Notice how I said he?  Because unless my server is a hot chick or a guy, I don't really care what the server thinks.  And there is the true problem - I worry about what "pretty" people think of me.  But what defines "pretty?"  Aren't we all beautiful in the eyes of God?  I suppose it's because it was the "pretty" people that I strived so hard to impress and please back in junior high and high school - it was their acceptance I craved and even now, at the ripe old age of 30, I still want that acceptance.  If I could move out of my warped mind for a few days and into the real world I would truly see just how ridiculous this desire is - but it's still there.  Sadly, it is still there for a majority of us because only a small minority fit into the category of "pretty" people.  But, you know what, I think I am a pretty person.  I may not be beautiful and airbrushed, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that needs to be enough - I hope one day it is, for all of us.

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