Thursday, January 28, 2010

We Have Hit Rock Bottom

I read a story in the news today that shocked and scared me.  A couple has been charged with starving their baby because they were worried she was getting too fat - they would put laxatives in her bottle to keep her from gaining weight.  It all came to light when she was hospitalized for not gaining enough weight and the doctors commented that she did fine in their care.  Are you ready for the real shocker - the baby was less than TWO MONTHS OLD!  What has our society come to that someone would even consider starving a baby for being too fat???  She weighed just over 13 pounds and her mother thought she had a fat baby.  Babies are supposed to gain weight - they are supposed to be chunky with adorable little fat rolls and chubby cheeks.  It's the one time in your life when chubby thighs are considered cute!  My youngest was in the 90th percentile for the first few months of her life and my pediatrician always commented that he wished all his patients were as healthy as my little girl.  We are so blessed to have children who have access to the best nutrition in the world, and to have parents who have access to the information and wisdom of so many about what a baby needs - why would anyone be so deluded to think that a baby needs to lose weight?  I can seriously think of nothing sadder than this - what have we become?


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Food Battles

Do you ever battle it out with food?  I do, all the time.  Like tonight I had a brownie (that was supposed to be for my husband), a bag of Butter Lover's popcorn, ice cream with chocolate chips and Hershey's syrup added, then just chocolate chips and Hershey's syrup, a glass of Coke, a cheeseburger and fries from McDonald's and a bowl of cereal - all in about a two hour period.  Why did I eat like this, you might ask.  Well, I had a lovely evening planned with my daughter and due to several breakdowns and misbehaving on her behalf said evening did not happen and I was crushed to cancel it.  She went to bed upset and I came downstairs upset, and thus I turned to food to help me feel better.  That and Juno, because the movie makes me cry and I needed to cry.

Why does food make us feel better?  By tomorrow I won't be feeling better at all by what I ate, but right now I'm in a happy state of "stuffed on bad food."  This is one of the reasons why I have struggled with my weight - okay, probably the main reason I have struggled is because of my unhealthy relationship with food.  So many times I would order food at a restaurant and then shovel it in my mouth before too many people noticed the fat girl was eating a cheeseburger and fries instead of a salad, no wonder I'm fat!  Of course, if I ordered a salad it confirmed that I was fat because the fat girl needs a salad.  I am so messed up mentally when it comes to food...and what other people think.  Even now, when I'm really not even overweight anymore, I struggle with what people will think of me depending on what I order.  If I order off the Weight Watchers menu at Applebees will the server think I'm fat?  He may not have thought I was fat before, but if I have to order off the WW menu then I must be fat.  Notice how I said he?  Because unless my server is a hot chick or a guy, I don't really care what the server thinks.  And there is the true problem - I worry about what "pretty" people think of me.  But what defines "pretty?"  Aren't we all beautiful in the eyes of God?  I suppose it's because it was the "pretty" people that I strived so hard to impress and please back in junior high and high school - it was their acceptance I craved and even now, at the ripe old age of 30, I still want that acceptance.  If I could move out of my warped mind for a few days and into the real world I would truly see just how ridiculous this desire is - but it's still there.  Sadly, it is still there for a majority of us because only a small minority fit into the category of "pretty" people.  But, you know what, I think I am a pretty person.  I may not be beautiful and airbrushed, but I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that needs to be enough - I hope one day it is, for all of us.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

An Impossible Standard

I knew a girl in junior high, let's call her Elizabeth, who was my friend, kind of.  We had been friends in elementary school and we still said hi in the hallways but due to our schedules we never really saw each other.  I used to dream that I was Elizabeth.  She was tall and skinny with big green eyes and I just knew that if I looked like her my life would be so much easier.  No more fat jokes, no more being embarrassed because I didn't fit into stylish clothes (there was no plus size teen department in those days), no more awfulness.

In high school and college Elizabeth and I became good friends.  One day we were talking about Junior High and she told me that she had always wished that she was me.  I burst out laughing - why would anyone want to be me?  Especially in junior high?  I told her how I had been teased and tormented and the only thing I wanted was to be like her.  This caused Elizabeth to start laughing.  Why would I want to be her?  She had been teased and tormented too.  She was too skinny, her hair was too frizzy, she was flat-chested - the insults went on and on.  I was shocked - Elizabeth came closer to the ideal than most women I knew - at 5'6 and 115 pounds she was tall and thin and gorgeous.  But apparently I was wrong.  I suppose you can be too skinny.  I remember reading somewhere that Gwyneth Paltrow was teased for being too skinny.  Here is a woman who defines beauty in our culture and she was teased for being too skinny.  Really, we women just can't win.  We're never perfect. Even the most beautiful women in our culture are airbrushed to death.  There is no real woman that stands up to the scrutiny placed on her by society.  Heck, I could be a swimsuit model these days with everything Photoshop can do.  But why do we need Photoshop to be considered beautiful?  I just want to be beautiful as I am.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Hypocritical Me

So before I go any further with this, I feel that I must make a confession - I am a hypocrite in this area.  I still want to be thin - like 120 pounds thin.  I'm 5'6 and 115 is the low end of a healthy weight range for me.  I would be too skinny at 120 with my bone structure, but there is still a part of me that wants to see the scale read 120.  Why is this the magical number???  I don't know, but 120 sounds so nice to say, "I weigh 120 pounds."  Even 119 - then I'm in the really low 100s.  Sad and pathetic, I know, but true.

I realized what a distorted view of myself I had about 6 months ago.  I gained 55 pounds with my first daughter and the scale topped out at 220-something.  I figured I'd lose it all right away though, because this was my first pregnancy and everyone loses all the weight right away from their first pregnancy.  Such a lie!  I stopped losing at 186.  I had been comfortably fluctuating between 162 and 168 for years so this was very bad in my mind.  Between June of 2007 and June of 2008 I lost 45 pounds the healthy way.  And I still thought I was fat (at 139 pounds).  I was in size 6 jeans but this wasn't small enough - I needed to be a four or a two.  And let's not even mention the havoc being pregnant wreaked on my stomach so I also had a glorious muffin top.  Now, I had been overweight most of my life, but being pear-shaped my stomach was always somewhat small.  No longer (let me insert here and now that I would not trade being pregnant and having my girls for anything - the world's biggest muffin top is worth their being here).  With my second daughter I also gained about 55 pounds (although I tried so hard not to) and knowing how hard it was the first time, started back on Weight Watchers 2 weeks postpartum.  When my youngest was about 3 months old I went through some old pictures and found one of myself from June 2008.  Um, I was thin, there is no question or doubt about it - the woman in the picture (although her hair is atrocious) is really thin.  Why did I think I was fat?  Why did I still want to lose another 20 pounds?  Why is there a part of me, even now, that still wants to be 120 pounds?  Why do I talk and talk about being happy with who you are and I'm still not entirely happy with who I am (although I am getting there)?  It's therapeutic I suppose.  And I hope, that through this, I will recognize, once and for all, I'm beautiful just the way I am - the way God intended me for to be.  I hope you realize that too.