Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It's Time

Do you believe you're beautiful?  I've never thought of myself that way - for many reasons.  The boys in junior high who made sure I knew I was too fat.  The boys in high school who would date my friends because they didn't want to be seen with the fat chick.  The girl in third grade who asked me if I wanted to be thin.  All of this told me I was not the ideal and thus I was not beautiful.  At my 10 year high school reunion I saw one of my tormentors from junior high and realized that for the past 12 years I had allowed this guy who I didn't even know anymore control my life.  He controlled how I thought about myself.  He was always there in the back of my mind, "How does it feel to be so fat?"  "How did your butt get pregnant?"  "Do you like to jiggle when you run?"  I vividly remember the girl I sat next to in gym class - the only person I knew who was teased more than me.  I never spoke to her, because as long as my tormentors focused on her it meant they weren't focused on me.

Two years later I still struggle with how I view myself.  Instead of wanting to lose weight to be healthy, I want to do so to be thin.  I want to feel good about myself and that is tied directly to how I look and the size of my pants.  I'm currently a size 10 and I see myself as fat.  10 is too large.  Honestly, my goal is to be a 4-6.  I often lament that if I had been born in the Renaissance Era I would be the most beautiful woman on earth because I'm built just like the women in the paintings.  Enough is enough though.  I'm tired of the world telling me what it means to be beautiful.  We are women, we are beautiful.  It's time to reclaim our beauty.

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